Failing

Today I'm having one of those days. Unfortunately, I had the same kind yesterday too. And I can't help but feel like a big, fat failure in the midst of it all. But with that said, please don't feel like you've got to leave reassuring comments. I know I'm not a horrible mom, but blogging helps me get it out and that's what I need most tonight. So bear with me...

It started yesterday when Lauren refused to nap for the 15th day in a row. She was being patient and quiet in her room though, so I decided to let her come out early and play quietly while Jake napped and I finished up the things I normally do.

She wandered into the living room when the phone rang. And because this friend of mine needed an ear to vent to, I stayed on the phone while Lauren played in the next room over. About 20 minutes later, she walks up to me and I see she's COVERED in marker again. And then after "scolding" her for doing so, I walk into the living room and see marker on every.single.wall. And her playroom cabinetry. And the Easter decorations. And our wedding scrapbook that took me hours and hours to create.

To say that I was livid would be an understatement. To say that I completely overreacted would be too. I said some things I wish I didn't say and acted in such a way I wish I didn't act. I didn't spank, but the fear in her eyes is something I'm still struggling with. As disobedient as she was, I wish I would have handled it better.

Then today, as I'm changing Jake's diaper in the family room, Lauren who is sitting literally a foot away, pulls down her pants and pee's on the carpet RIGHT in front of me. Shocked and confused, I scolded her and sent her to her room for some "room time".

Three minutes later, I go into her room to discover an even larger pee spot on her carpet. I was completely dumbfounded at this point, so I asked her, "Lauren, why did you do this?" To which she responded, "From I wanted to go piddle".

Sure. That makes complete sense.

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

We've since figured out a plan of action for the consequences of both yesterday and today, which involves lots of cleaning, some room time and loss of special treats and privileges. But all I can think about is, 'what am I doing wrong? How can a little girl who was so sweet and easy become defiant and ever-testing overnight?!?'

I don't know. I just hate this whole thing. I wish there was a manual I could turn to. I wish I had the answers as to why this is happening. I think instead I'll delve into my Bible tonight and pray my heart out. I know God answers prayers, and I'm going to turn my sadness to Him tonight. Surely He will guide me. Rather, I pray He guides me through this....